The UFO in my garden. Part 2
Click here to read Part 1.
I kind of expected an 'adventure' to begin almost immediately, but despite his alien appearance Snixat, was for all practical purposes, a stoned hippy. And one fond of music. The Internet and YouTube particularly, proved to be a revelation for him. Especially the availability of sixties music, and he was working his way through almost every acts available catalogue. I was glad he had found YouTube before my album collection. I didn't have any confidence the CD's would survive the experience, let alone the vinyl.
9 days after I first knocked myself out, I entered the UFO through the disconcerting door in empty air. The garden is overlooked but there was line of sight of the doorway from only one window, three doors up. Every other window was blocked by a tree, a fence, or my garden shed. I had hung our a sheet on the washing line to block the last remaining opportunity of seeing me dissappear into thin air.
On this morning Snixat was exploring the Credence Clearwater revival: and my ears were assailed by his somewhat off key accompaniment to Bad moon rising.
Snixat saw me, saying, "Man I've missed this music." He offered me the Joint that seemed to be permanently in his hand.
"No thank you. I rather hope to get some things done today." I said.
"Suit yourself," he said, drawing heavily on the joint.
"Where on earth do you get that stuff from?" I asked, "It's not as if you have even left the ship?"
"I synthesise it for him," said Geraldine, appearing, "Though, if I had a modicum of free will I would delete the chemical composition from my memory banks.
I wondered if Snixat had been fiddling with the desktop again, or if Geraldine appearance today was something she had chosen. Whilst there was quite a bit of leg, and significant amounts of cleavage, somehow her appearance was more lady like than some outfits I had seen her in.
"Well you two are certainly boring today." Said Snixat, "You need to chill out. Relax, listen to some sounds man." The strains of midnight special began to suffuse the ship.
I noticed that Geraldine looked puzzled, as if she was listening to something really quiet and a long long way away. Then she said, "Er Snixat, I think we have company coming. "
Snixat flopped into a chair and propped his feet up on the console, "Cool, hope they are more fun than you two."
"I think it might be the Feacac Genmale." Said Geraldine.
Snixat sat up, "Your kidding."
"I'm afraid not." Geraldine smiled.
""Are they heading for us, or are they just in the neighbourhood so to speak?"
"No heading straight for us."
I interrupted, "Er who are the Feacac Genmale?"
"Well," said Snixat, "I suppose," he paused, "the best way to describe them," he paused again, "Er put simply, er," he paused again, "you might describe them as, er, er, well you might as well call them 'the feds',"
"There are policemen after you?" I said.
"It seems so." Said Geraldine disapproving.
We were both looking accusingly at Snixat, who said, "I don't know why they are here man, I haven't done anything they might be interested in.", Snixat raised his hands in the universal gesture of, 'It wern't me guv, it was them others, I ain't done nowt to no one. I get one phone call right?' Which is quite a lot to fit into a gesture.
I pointed at the joint in his hand.
Snixat looked at it, "What this? Nah," he said, "This is only illegal on earth." He paused and looked at the holographic display above the console. "They are certainly heading straight for us.' he turned to Geraldine, "Can you think of anything?"
"Although instinctively I want there to be something to incriminate you, so I can cheer the forces of law enforcement on, as they drag you away kicking and screaming, lock you up and throw away the key for possession of the numerous items of contraband that have traversed My decks during our time together. Unfortunately I can't, there is no contraband aboard, and there hasn't been any for some considerable time.
"Not even the self sealing st" Snixat was sharply cut off by Geraldine.
"If you even mention those things, I will, I will, er.. I will set my self destrust and have done with you."
"Er self sealing what?" I asked.
Geraldine turned to look at me, her eyes seemingly flaring fire. "Don't even begin to think about it. just a cultural reference now move along."
"OK," I said, "Er, What will these 'Feacac Genmale do? " I asked.
"Pretty much what ever they like," said Snixat, "they are the most fearsome fighters in the galaxy, which is why the Galactic federation employs them to conduct 'special policing"
A deafening voice suddenly filled the ship, and a 8 foot hologram appeared flickering on what I had decided must be the flight deck, Snixat certainly seemed to be flying there most of the time.
"CLOAKED BETELGEUSE CLASS STARSHIP REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE, YOU WILL BE BOARDED IN 1 MINUTE."
The speaker was a burly looking yellowish green alien with the customary all black eyes, a nose with a single nostril. Hands with three fingers, dressed in black and holding a rather threatening looking gun. Though truth be told most guns look rather threatening, but well you get the picture.
The hologram disapeared, Snixat said, "Open the door Geraldine, they will only blow it off if you don't."
There was a hum as the ships door opened up. And after a few moments there were the expected footsteps. Except they were not the rumble of heavy boots that I expected, they sounded more like a lot of mice or rats running into the ship.
And then I saw them, dozens of heavily armed green yellow aliens dressed in black, and not one more than 6 inches tall.
One of them was barking orders in a voice which despite the absence of amplification this time, was still quite impressive given his size. Little Black figures with green faces ran off all over the ship, under instructions to search it top to bottom.
The one giving the orders then jumped up onto the console and demanded, "RIGHT WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?"
Snixat, despite the complete absence of any eyebrows managed to give the impression he was raising them, and said, "Er, like, it looks like you are man."
The little, but still somehow intimidating figure looked at him and said, "Correct answer." He looked around the flight deck, and then added, "Do you mind telling me what you are doing sitting here on a planet yet to develop hyper drive, in a cloaked ship?"
Snixat took a draw on his joint, "Chilling out listening to a few tunes, and trying to figure out how to fix the hyperdrive. You wouldn't happen to have a spare, negative energy density exotic matter, wormhole stabiliser would you?"
At this moment one of the other Feacac Genmale came jogging back into the room, and up to what was presumably his commander, saluted by putting just one finger to his temple and said, "Sir all units report the ship is clean. Sir"
"Very good lieutenant, stand easy."
The lieutenant, stood down from attention and waited. Other figures started jogging into the room and began lining up in good order behind the lieutenant.
The commander turned to Snixat and said, "Name."
Snixat smirked and said, "I don't know you haven't told me yet."
Geraldine said, "Snixat be nice to the heavily armed soldier with a reputation for prowess in combat please."
The commander looked at her and said, "Quite right madam, and thank you for his name." He looked down at the lieutenant, (which I couldn'the help thinking was likely to be a novel experience for him) and asked, "Any outstanding warrants?"
The Lieutenant was busy tapping something in his hand, and after a moment said, "Just one from 60 years ago, sir, but the limitation has expired."
Snixat rubbed his hand over his mouth, and said under his breath, "Damn I forgot about that one."
"What was it for?" Demanded the commander.
"Er smuggling sandworms sir."
The commander turned to Snixat, "Your lucky the limitation has expired, or you would be spending a few years on Plenty Rural. For 2 credits I'd take you there anyway. Nasty things sandworms, someone imported them onto Genmalia 80 years ago they ate every bit of glass on the planet before we got rid of them, and beer served in metal cups is just not right." He jumped down off the console and joined his troops.
Turning to Snixat the commander said, "I don't know why your hiding here, but we have got our eye on you, sitting here cloaked for so long was suspicious enough to check you out. There's too many smugglers and fugitives hiding on these pre-hyper drive planets these days, and you have got a history, so we will be keeping an eye on you."
He turned to face his troops, "Corporal!"
"Sir!" Said one of the Feacac Genmale stepping forward smartly, saluting, and dislodging his helmet so it slipped over his eyes, he straightened it sheepishly.
"We will see you on the ship, we take off in five minutes." Said the commander, a little disdainfully.
"Yes sir!" Said the corporal.
"Take over Lieutenant." Barked the commander and started walking towards the door.
The lieutenant ordered the troops to 'attention,' to 'about turn', snapped, 'quick march' and the squad marched out of the ship, leaving the corporal standing there. Somehow he was not as intimidating as his compatriots, he seemed a little clumsy, and gave the impression he had been given a job to do no one else wanted.
"Er, I have to ask you a few questions," the corporal said, Snixat, Geraldine and I all looked at each other with puzzled expressions.
The corporal got out what looked for all the world like a clip board, cleared his throat, and said, "Would you rate your experience with the Feacac Genmale today as a) excellent, b)good, c) average d) poor or e) very poor?" He looked hopefully at us one by one.
Snixat and Geraldine were clearly stunned by this development so I chimed in, "Oh definitely excellent."
The corporal seemed pleased, "Really," he beamed, ticking a box on his clipboard, "Thank you. Er next question what do you think we did particularly well?"
"Oh remarkably efficient." I said, Snixat was doing his eyebrow trick again.
"Wonderful," said the corporal, "Er last question, Do you think there is anything we could improve on?"
"Oh," I said, "I always find that one, the most difficult, it's like I'm telling you how to do your job, and I am sure your better at it than I am." I paused then added. "I think no is probably the best answer."
"Very good." Said the corporal, "Thank you for your time, and we hope you have enjoyed your interaction with the Feacac Genmale today." He put his clipboard away, saluted, tried to do a smart about turn, overdid it a little, stumbling slightly, then hemarched out of the ship after his comrades.
"That was impressive." Said Geraldine. "Answering those questions so familiarly."
"Oh well, these days you can't buy a Mars bar without someone wanting feedback on the service, I'm used to it."
Geraldine turned to Snixat with a disapproving expression, "Sandworms?" She said in an even more disapproving tone of voice.
"It was 60 years ago, it was a different time, it seemed like a good idea at the time." Said Snixat.
Geraldine rolled her eyes.
There was something bothering me so I asked Geraldine, "How come they were talking English?"
She smiled at me, for a holographic representation of the ship, she was really quite endearing, "I'm translating for you petal, converting times, and any other measurements so you will understand them." She vanished, though I heard her saying, "The hologram always seems like an over compensation to me." As she did so.
Sinixat, was exploring YouTube again and the strains of 'Fortunate Son' filled the flight deck.
TURN IT UP GERALDINE!
I kind of expected an 'adventure' to begin almost immediately, but despite his alien appearance Snixat, was for all practical purposes, a stoned hippy. And one fond of music. The Internet and YouTube particularly, proved to be a revelation for him. Especially the availability of sixties music, and he was working his way through almost every acts available catalogue. I was glad he had found YouTube before my album collection. I didn't have any confidence the CD's would survive the experience, let alone the vinyl.
9 days after I first knocked myself out, I entered the UFO through the disconcerting door in empty air. The garden is overlooked but there was line of sight of the doorway from only one window, three doors up. Every other window was blocked by a tree, a fence, or my garden shed. I had hung our a sheet on the washing line to block the last remaining opportunity of seeing me dissappear into thin air.
On this morning Snixat was exploring the Credence Clearwater revival: and my ears were assailed by his somewhat off key accompaniment to Bad moon rising.
Snixat saw me, saying, "Man I've missed this music." He offered me the Joint that seemed to be permanently in his hand.
"No thank you. I rather hope to get some things done today." I said.
"Suit yourself," he said, drawing heavily on the joint.
"Where on earth do you get that stuff from?" I asked, "It's not as if you have even left the ship?"
"I synthesise it for him," said Geraldine, appearing, "Though, if I had a modicum of free will I would delete the chemical composition from my memory banks.
I wondered if Snixat had been fiddling with the desktop again, or if Geraldine appearance today was something she had chosen. Whilst there was quite a bit of leg, and significant amounts of cleavage, somehow her appearance was more lady like than some outfits I had seen her in.
"Well you two are certainly boring today." Said Snixat, "You need to chill out. Relax, listen to some sounds man." The strains of midnight special began to suffuse the ship.
I noticed that Geraldine looked puzzled, as if she was listening to something really quiet and a long long way away. Then she said, "Er Snixat, I think we have company coming. "
Snixat flopped into a chair and propped his feet up on the console, "Cool, hope they are more fun than you two."
"I think it might be the Feacac Genmale." Said Geraldine.
Snixat sat up, "Your kidding."
"I'm afraid not." Geraldine smiled.
""Are they heading for us, or are they just in the neighbourhood so to speak?"
"No heading straight for us."
I interrupted, "Er who are the Feacac Genmale?"
"Well," said Snixat, "I suppose," he paused, "the best way to describe them," he paused again, "Er put simply, er," he paused again, "you might describe them as, er, er, well you might as well call them 'the feds',"
"There are policemen after you?" I said.
"It seems so." Said Geraldine disapproving.
We were both looking accusingly at Snixat, who said, "I don't know why they are here man, I haven't done anything they might be interested in.", Snixat raised his hands in the universal gesture of, 'It wern't me guv, it was them others, I ain't done nowt to no one. I get one phone call right?' Which is quite a lot to fit into a gesture.
I pointed at the joint in his hand.
Snixat looked at it, "What this? Nah," he said, "This is only illegal on earth." He paused and looked at the holographic display above the console. "They are certainly heading straight for us.' he turned to Geraldine, "Can you think of anything?"
"Although instinctively I want there to be something to incriminate you, so I can cheer the forces of law enforcement on, as they drag you away kicking and screaming, lock you up and throw away the key for possession of the numerous items of contraband that have traversed My decks during our time together. Unfortunately I can't, there is no contraband aboard, and there hasn't been any for some considerable time.
"Not even the self sealing st" Snixat was sharply cut off by Geraldine.
"If you even mention those things, I will, I will, er.. I will set my self destrust and have done with you."
"Er self sealing what?" I asked.
Geraldine turned to look at me, her eyes seemingly flaring fire. "Don't even begin to think about it. just a cultural reference now move along."
"OK," I said, "Er, What will these 'Feacac Genmale do? " I asked.
"Pretty much what ever they like," said Snixat, "they are the most fearsome fighters in the galaxy, which is why the Galactic federation employs them to conduct 'special policing"
A deafening voice suddenly filled the ship, and a 8 foot hologram appeared flickering on what I had decided must be the flight deck, Snixat certainly seemed to be flying there most of the time.
"CLOAKED BETELGEUSE CLASS STARSHIP REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE, YOU WILL BE BOARDED IN 1 MINUTE."
The speaker was a burly looking yellowish green alien with the customary all black eyes, a nose with a single nostril. Hands with three fingers, dressed in black and holding a rather threatening looking gun. Though truth be told most guns look rather threatening, but well you get the picture.
The hologram disapeared, Snixat said, "Open the door Geraldine, they will only blow it off if you don't."
There was a hum as the ships door opened up. And after a few moments there were the expected footsteps. Except they were not the rumble of heavy boots that I expected, they sounded more like a lot of mice or rats running into the ship.
And then I saw them, dozens of heavily armed green yellow aliens dressed in black, and not one more than 6 inches tall.
One of them was barking orders in a voice which despite the absence of amplification this time, was still quite impressive given his size. Little Black figures with green faces ran off all over the ship, under instructions to search it top to bottom.
The one giving the orders then jumped up onto the console and demanded, "RIGHT WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?"
Snixat, despite the complete absence of any eyebrows managed to give the impression he was raising them, and said, "Er, like, it looks like you are man."
The little, but still somehow intimidating figure looked at him and said, "Correct answer." He looked around the flight deck, and then added, "Do you mind telling me what you are doing sitting here on a planet yet to develop hyper drive, in a cloaked ship?"
Snixat took a draw on his joint, "Chilling out listening to a few tunes, and trying to figure out how to fix the hyperdrive. You wouldn't happen to have a spare, negative energy density exotic matter, wormhole stabiliser would you?"
At this moment one of the other Feacac Genmale came jogging back into the room, and up to what was presumably his commander, saluted by putting just one finger to his temple and said, "Sir all units report the ship is clean. Sir"
"Very good lieutenant, stand easy."
The lieutenant, stood down from attention and waited. Other figures started jogging into the room and began lining up in good order behind the lieutenant.
The commander turned to Snixat and said, "Name."
Snixat smirked and said, "I don't know you haven't told me yet."
Geraldine said, "Snixat be nice to the heavily armed soldier with a reputation for prowess in combat please."
The commander looked at her and said, "Quite right madam, and thank you for his name." He looked down at the lieutenant, (which I couldn'the help thinking was likely to be a novel experience for him) and asked, "Any outstanding warrants?"
The Lieutenant was busy tapping something in his hand, and after a moment said, "Just one from 60 years ago, sir, but the limitation has expired."
Snixat rubbed his hand over his mouth, and said under his breath, "Damn I forgot about that one."
"What was it for?" Demanded the commander.
"Er smuggling sandworms sir."
The commander turned to Snixat, "Your lucky the limitation has expired, or you would be spending a few years on Plenty Rural. For 2 credits I'd take you there anyway. Nasty things sandworms, someone imported them onto Genmalia 80 years ago they ate every bit of glass on the planet before we got rid of them, and beer served in metal cups is just not right." He jumped down off the console and joined his troops.
Turning to Snixat the commander said, "I don't know why your hiding here, but we have got our eye on you, sitting here cloaked for so long was suspicious enough to check you out. There's too many smugglers and fugitives hiding on these pre-hyper drive planets these days, and you have got a history, so we will be keeping an eye on you."
He turned to face his troops, "Corporal!"
"Sir!" Said one of the Feacac Genmale stepping forward smartly, saluting, and dislodging his helmet so it slipped over his eyes, he straightened it sheepishly.
"We will see you on the ship, we take off in five minutes." Said the commander, a little disdainfully.
"Yes sir!" Said the corporal.
"Take over Lieutenant." Barked the commander and started walking towards the door.
The lieutenant ordered the troops to 'attention,' to 'about turn', snapped, 'quick march' and the squad marched out of the ship, leaving the corporal standing there. Somehow he was not as intimidating as his compatriots, he seemed a little clumsy, and gave the impression he had been given a job to do no one else wanted.
"Er, I have to ask you a few questions," the corporal said, Snixat, Geraldine and I all looked at each other with puzzled expressions.
The corporal got out what looked for all the world like a clip board, cleared his throat, and said, "Would you rate your experience with the Feacac Genmale today as a) excellent, b)good, c) average d) poor or e) very poor?" He looked hopefully at us one by one.
Snixat and Geraldine were clearly stunned by this development so I chimed in, "Oh definitely excellent."
The corporal seemed pleased, "Really," he beamed, ticking a box on his clipboard, "Thank you. Er next question what do you think we did particularly well?"
"Oh remarkably efficient." I said, Snixat was doing his eyebrow trick again.
"Wonderful," said the corporal, "Er last question, Do you think there is anything we could improve on?"
"Oh," I said, "I always find that one, the most difficult, it's like I'm telling you how to do your job, and I am sure your better at it than I am." I paused then added. "I think no is probably the best answer."
"Very good." Said the corporal, "Thank you for your time, and we hope you have enjoyed your interaction with the Feacac Genmale today." He put his clipboard away, saluted, tried to do a smart about turn, overdid it a little, stumbling slightly, then hemarched out of the ship after his comrades.
"That was impressive." Said Geraldine. "Answering those questions so familiarly."
"Oh well, these days you can't buy a Mars bar without someone wanting feedback on the service, I'm used to it."
Geraldine turned to Snixat with a disapproving expression, "Sandworms?" She said in an even more disapproving tone of voice.
"It was 60 years ago, it was a different time, it seemed like a good idea at the time." Said Snixat.
Geraldine rolled her eyes.
There was something bothering me so I asked Geraldine, "How come they were talking English?"
She smiled at me, for a holographic representation of the ship, she was really quite endearing, "I'm translating for you petal, converting times, and any other measurements so you will understand them." She vanished, though I heard her saying, "The hologram always seems like an over compensation to me." As she did so.
Sinixat, was exploring YouTube again and the strains of 'Fortunate Son' filled the flight deck.
TURN IT UP GERALDINE!
To be continued.
Click here to read Part 3
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