The UFO in my garden. Part 4.

Click here to read All Parts

I awoke to alien sounds of hammering from the garden, but thought hurrying to the railway station to by the paper was too much effort. I Decided to slip into the daily routine of life, working eating sleeping, serenly as all mankind has for thousands of years. There was no real reason my life should change, just because there was a UFO in my garden.

But in my garden the hammering and stirring went on as it had all night. I was worrying what interest this might attract from the neighbours. Not least Jamie, who had insatiable curiosity. It seemed the professor didn't sleep, especially when he had something to work on.

I ate breakfast, and made myself a cup of strong coffee, before walking over to the UFO sipping as I went. The area under the spaceship with my flattened beans in it, was looking overgrown, the light was reaching it through the ships cloaking device, so it was all growing, it was just restricted in which directions it could grow. To my eyes it looked as if the shape of the UFO was beginning to show, like a bowl, that the plants were growing around.

Then the professors head popped out of thin air about 20 feet off the ground, up in front of me. "Ah!" he exclaimed. "Just ze person I vanted to talk to, he said, I'll be right down."

My first thought was, 'the whole neighbourhood could see him from there,' followed by: 'did anyone see?' and I immediately looked around, particularly towards three doors up. Had I imagined the 11 year old face, disappearing from the window?

I ducked into the anonymity the sheet on the washing line afforded, thankful it wasn't a windy day, and the door of the ship opened up in front of me: a doorway in thin air, framing the figure of the professor. I always had the urge to walk round behind it to see if anything was there, knowing full well I'd only walk into the UFO, as I had on the first day it had landed in my garden.

I followed the professor into the ship, he led me to what I always called the 'flight deck,' although it always seemed to look more like a hippies bed sit. OK so a high tech hippies bed sit, but a bed sit none the less. I couldn't see Snixat. I asked the professor where he was?

"I zink he is sulking." answered the professor. It still seemed odd that he felt more comfortable with his phoney accent, rather than the rather good English he could actually speak, though it was not as over the top as it had seemed at first.

"Why is he sulking?" I asked looking round at the 'flight deck,' somehow it looked tidier, neater, as if someone had had a spring clean.

Geraldine, appeared, "That would be my fault." she said, with a smug grin. Her attire was radically different to what I had seen before, no cleavage, very little exposed skin, and a walking stick: very 19th century.




"How did you 'upset' him enough to make him sulk?" I asked, adding. "I though his answer to everything was to have another, you know.." I mimed smoking. surprised at the embarrassment I felt mentioning it. "Then everything seems OK to him."

"Vel zat would be my fault" said the professor.

I looked from one to the other, at least twice. They just looked back at me. "Could either of you explain?" I asked.

"Vel to repair Geraldine's engines, I needed her to have full control, to switch off various systems, switch them back on in the right order, etc. So I gave her full access to all the ships systems."

Snixat appeared, "Yeah," he said, "And now she won't give the preferences back."

Geraldine leant against the control panel with her arms crossed, still looking smug.

I looked between the three faces who all seemed to think what was happening was absolutely obvious. And were wondering how long it would take my tiny ape brain to work it out. And then I worked it out. "Your not synthesising his ... you know." I again found it hard to say and mimed a smoking action.

"Yeah." said Snixat, he looked seriously downcast. "Not a good thing to do to a guy who is just enjoying being where he is the best he can. Stranded here on this planet." He scowled at Geraldine who gave a smug scowl back.

Snixat sat down in his customary chair, and brought up his holographic display, "At least I still have access to this planets music." he said.



"I have no problem with your taste in music," said Geraldine.

"Well at least there are some small mercies in this life." Said Snixat with a look. He went on, "One of them of course being you need my say so to take off, otherwise the automatic theft alarm will have the Feacac Genmale  chasing you in no time." It was Snixat's turn to look smug.

Geraldine gave Snixat a look, that was actually full of affectionate tolerance for a naughty child, and said,  "We have already had this conversation, when we have the Absurdium, and my hyperdrive engines are back on line, then I will give you the preferences back."

"Hmm, " vocalised Snixat conveying a very heavy dose of cynicism., "And I just have to trust you"  he paused, but spoke again just as Geraldine was about to say something, "Oh no you don't," he said waving a finger, "None of that 'I'm a machine and I can't lie.' Rubbish, " he said this in a deliberately unconvincing imitation of Geraldine voice. "Machines are the best liars in the universe." He added.

Geraldine rolled her eyes, "If we hadn't leaked most of the Absurdum,  you could have the preferences back now, and we know whose fault that was, don't we?"

Snixat was about to launch into defending himself, but I felt I needed an answer to a question, so I asked it, "Er what is Absurdum? "

"Ah Absurdium," said the professor looking happy he had something to explain to a lesser mind. He liked explaining, "this is an interesting element of ze Dark matter, it is helpful, for us because: it has negative energy density. This allows us to create, grab und hold open the end of an Einstein Rosen Bridge, Zis of course allows us to move great distances very quickly, indeed."

I had learned by now that, occasionally acknowledging you had understood what the professor had said, helped the conversation move along, even if you hadn't understood a word. Showing doubt led to an even greater in depth examination of the subject. Which was likely to be even more incomprehensible than the original thing you hadn't understood. I nodded.

The professor accepted my nod "It has some interesting side effects on humans. Not harmful, but interesting none the less." He realised this could be understood different ways and added, "ze effect of Absurdium on humans that is, not ze travelling through vormholes. Travelling through vormholes dosen't seem to effect humans at all."

"Absurdium?" I said, "That sounds like a joke name, like unobtanium."

"Don't knock unobtanium," said Snixat, "It might be hard to get, but once you have it it certainly does the job."

I could think of nothing else to say except, to ask "And you think you can get this Absurdium, here on earth?"

The professor raised his eyebrows, "Oh yes, I haf detected it on Earth, for a very long time now." his steady stare was somehow unsettling, he went on "Von of its other properties is that it's easy to find, but quite hard to pinpoint, using conventional methods.."

"But you think you know where there is some?" I said.

The professor if anything suddenly looked even more intensely at me, "There is certainly an adequate supply for our needs in or near Lynchburg Virginia, USA."

I suddenly thought to myself that I might just be able to rescue some of the beans, if the ship wasn't there any more, "So your leaving my garden at last?" I asked, rather more hopefully.

"Vel yes, und ve ver rather hoping you would accompany us?" said the proffessor, with an expectant expression.

"Why?" I asked. Suddenly for some reason I was suspicious.

The professors expression suggested he was thinking how to word his reply in the way most likely to persuade me. "Vel the interesting effect Absurdium has on humans is a very easy way to pinpoint the Absurdium." He paused with an expression on his face that implied he was thinking several, if not dozens of steps ahead, then continued, "The closer you are to ze Absurdium, ze greater the effect on you will be. Therefore we will be able to tell how close we are to finding the Absurdium by monitoring the effect on you. the more intense the effect then the closer ve are.

I thought for a moment, "You want to use me me as a kind of detector, for some strange alien radiation?" I said as much as an accusation as a statement or a question.

The professor paused for quite a long time, as if he hadn't considered this question in his calculations. Eventually he shrugged as if he had decided it would not affect any calculations unduly, and said, "Vel yes to be honest.

This was startlingly frank and whilst a part of my mind was cursing my intrinsic 'agreeableness' my mouth was saying, "OK."

Then a thought occurred to me, "Er how do we get to the USA?" I asked.

"I can still fly." Said Geraldine, a little testily I though, she glanced at Snixat, who was busy exploring you tube again, "No thanks to my pilot."

A large screen or possibly a window appeared in the wall, looking straight at the back of my house.

Sinxat said "Oh wow!" and for a moment I wondered what was so impressive about my house, before realising, he had found some music he liked.

"Shall ve go?" asked the professor.

"We just need Snixat to release the anti theft alarm." Said Geraldine.

Snixat was oblivious to this, "A little alienist," he said, "but humans were always suspicious of the strange, It is fantastic though." He said, still focused on the music which at that moment only he could hear.

"Snixat!" Snapped Geraldine,

"Er, Yeah?" Snixat rose from his musical reverie.

"Can I take off?" Geraldine said leaving emphatic spaces between the words for added emphasis.

"What?" Snixat looked puzzled for a moment, "Oh yeah, fine go ahead, but I get the preferences back once we have the Absurdium, Right?"

"Yes," said Geraldine, "But we can go now."

"Yeah, Yeah, but man you have to listen to this."

The ship rose almost silently into the air, and I watched my house shrink to become just one of hundreds of similar houses, so I could no longer tell which one was mine, then it shot forward at tremendous speed. I was still holding what was left of my Coffee, the surface did not even ripple. I was flying to Virginia USA in a UFO.

Music filled the flight deck, "Turn it up Geraldine.


Click here to go to Part 5

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