The UFO in my Garden: Part 5.
Click here to read All Parts.
The journey was incredibly quick and the heat ray had not long done its worst to Horsell common before the ship finished its 3000 mile journey from England to the USA. Through the window/screen, it seemed as though the ship came to a sudden halt, over a car park in front of an impressive looking building with a façade adorned with classical looking columns.
Somehow this wasn't what I had expected somewhere called Lynchburg to look like. Truthfully my English preconceptions had an image of a small place one step away from an old frontier town, full of stereotypical red-necks, and somewhat worried black faces. This actually looked quite genteel.
It was at this point that I realised I was still in my dressing gown. I also realised I couldn't see Sinixat, then his head popped up from behind one of the numerous 'control panels' around the edge of the 'flight deck', which I suspected were as much for decoration as anything else, since none of them seemed to do anything that ever required anyone's attention.
Snixat held up something in his hand, saying "Yeah," in a celebratory tone, "I knew it was here somewhere." he crowed.
Geraldine looked at Snixat with a concerned expression, "Oh no." she groaned, "Your not going to go out are you?"
"Of course I am," the grey skinned alien said, "It should be fun, and I haven't got anything else to do, thanks to you."
"Don't you remember what happened last time?" said Geraldine.
"Well yeah, but it turned out all right though didn't it?" Snixat grinned.
"Only because everyone was taking something, and they thought you were just an interesting hallucination, so many people ended up having bad trips after seeing you the concert organisers had to reassure everyone that the acid was safe . Anywhere else and you would have been surrounded by more members of secret government departments than an Arab on the White house lawn." (I had already learned Geraldine kept up with every News feed on the planet.)
"It was three days or peace and Music man, I should never have bothered with a disguise in the first place. You had to be there to understand, No one cared about any supposed differences, let alone an alien wandering about. It was real freedom man."
Geraldines expression oozed skepticism, "Hmm I suppose that's why you put so much effort getting that roll of film off the guy with the movie camera?"
"Nah that was because he filmed me with Jimi, I wanted a keepsake." said Snixat with a wistful look in his eyes. I still haven't figured out how he does that with black on black eyes, and no eyebrows.
"Keep telling yourself that, prehaps one day you might believe it." Geraldine answered.
I found myself raising my hand, like a child wanting to ask a question in class. "Er what is that thing?" I asked, self consciously lowering my hand.
"Its my disguise man." said Snixat, sitting down on a stool, I hadn't noticed before.
I looked at the object, it was shaped somewhat like a rugby ball, but about six inches long, and really really shiny. "That's a disguise?" I asked, "The alien equivalent of dark glasses a wig and a false beard?"
"Yeah man watch," snixat did something to the egg shaped object, and the air around him seemed to shimmer like heat rising off a road in a mid summer heat wave. After a moment the air settled down and where he had been sitting was the spitting image of Jim Morrison, holding a pair of Dark glasses.
"How did I guess?" said Geraldine.
"Sorry?" I said, mystified by this contribution from the hologram of the ships, for want of a better word, consciousness.
"He thinks, girls find, Mr Morrison really sexy." Frankly I thought Geraldine seemed somewhat Jealous.
"You mean he likes to get off with Earth Girls?" I said, adding, "Isn't that a bit weird?"
"His species have been doing it with different species for millions of years," said Geraldine, "though Snixat likes the personal touch."
"Man, its way more fun that way." said Snixat, grinning lecherously.
The Professor interrupted, "Given ze nature of our mission ve should zink about moving forward, und not confuse things too much." He gave Snixat a meaningful look I couldn't quite fathom at the time.
"I must ask you a question before we begin, said the professor, Would you consider yourself a rational normal human being?"
"Well yes." I answered, though a little conscious that pyjamas, slippers and a dressing gown were probably not appropriate attire for someone who had just claimed to be rational and normal. The Arthur Dent reference had not escaped me.
Good said the professor, lets go. I had a powerful urge to ask Geraldine if she could find a Towel from somewhere but I resisted the temptation, lest someone have an impulse to pop a fish in my ear. Snixat and the Prof seemed completely oblivious to my current state of dress/undress, so I thought to myself if it was good enough for David Tennant, then who was I to complain.
Geraldine lowered the ship into a space in the car park, and opened the door, The prof, Snixat and myself stepped out. I looked about nervously to see if anyone had noticed the door appear in thin air, or the sudden appearance of two notable historical figures and a fictional character from a radio show. But, if anyone had noticed us it was distinctly not obvious.
So that was how it was that Einstein, Jim Morrison and Arthur Dent walked into Liberty University.
We entered the impressive building drawing the occasional odd look, as if people were trying to work out if they had genuinely seen what they thought they had seen, but then followed with a shrug of their shoulders and wandered off to do whatever it was they were doing in the first place. The previous day I had asked the prof about, how he avoided questions about his appearance, and he said simply, "Generally the qvestion does not come up. Zis iz plausible explanation zyndrome. Ven people see zomething which iz too extraordinary to be real, zey basically invent a plauzible explanation und go on about zere business."
Once inside the mock classical building, I noticed there was an archaeological exhibit, and having always being interested in history, wandered over to take a peek, only partly aware that the prof was waiting as if he expected me to do something. Snixat was meanwhile saying 'Hi', to any girl who caught his eye and smiling in what he thought was a poetic and attractive way at them. More than a few of the girls were smiling back.
The exhibit was just a few dinosaur bones, not particularly well presented, but then I noticed the label and laughed. I don't remember the Prof coming over to me: but he was there at my shoulder observing me intently as I read the sign disbelieving.
"Someone should tell the staff here someone's been mucking about with their exhibit." I said.
"Und vy iz zat?" asked the Professor.
"Well someone's stuck this fake label on this dinosaur bone saying its 3000 years old." I said somewhat incredulously.
"Und you zink zis is incorrect, Yes?" said the prof.
"Well of course it is, the Dinosaurs lived millions and millions of years ago didn't they?" For some reason there was this discomforting sense of doubt in my mind.
The Prof motioned me to follow him. Snixat in disguise was still smiling at every pretty girl that passed. And an awful lot of them were smiling back, and there were a few looks of envy from some of the young men who were wandering about..
As we walked down the hallway, away from the extraordinary exhibit, I found myself wondering aloud, "You don't think its true do you?"
The professor stopped, forcing the rest of us to stop. We were blocking the hallway where two corridors crossed each other and we shuffled to one side to let the various students pass. Snixat leant nonchalantly against the wall, putting a lot of effort into appearing, 'cool'.
"Vat do you zink might be true?" asked the professor whos accent had become much thicker in the presence of other humans.
"About the Dinosaurs, that they only died out 3000 years ago?" I said.
The Prof guided me down one of the four passage ways, saying, "Tell me more".
As we walked, the idea started to seem silly to me. I said "No that couldn't be true could it? It would be just daft."
The prof stopped and turned me right around, which was unsettling and started us walking back the way we had come, and down the opposite corridor, saying "Hmm, please tell me more."
"But then again," I said suddenly less certain for some reason, "It might be true? No one was there to see it after all."
We walked on, "It would make some of those old movies make a bit more sense," I mused, "though it wouldn't explain Raquel Welch's incredible shrinking Doe skin Bikini."
The professor raised his eyebrows, but kept watching me closely.
After a minute or so, it seemed to me the whole idea was patently absurd, and I said, "Every scientist in the world knows dinosaurs died out millions and millions of years ago."
The proff stopped. turned us all around again and started walking back the way we had just come come, but more slowly this time.
I felt a little disorientated, by this saying. "Where are we going, we seem to keep turning back on ourselves?"
The Prof pulled his glasses down his nose and peered over them at me, "Ve are nearly zere, I zink we are looking for one of ze doors on zis cooridoor. Tell me more of your thoughts about dinosaurs."
"Well its confusing, one minute it seems like its entirely reasonable to think dinosaurs only died out 3000 years ago, the next its clearly absurd."
"vel vat do you zink at ze moment," the proffessor asked.
"Well" I pondered, "It seems quite reasonable, after all its just the scientists word against everyone elses."
"Go on," said the Proff, if anything walking even more slowly Snixat was walking backwards watching a young woman sashaying away behind us. with a lustful look on his, or rather Jim Morrisons face.
"In fact," I said, "It seems quite obvious to me now that I have been taking it for granted that scientists have been telling the truth. What if they are lying, what if its all been some big conspiracy to fool everyone?"
"Vy Vould scientists vant to fool everyone?" the professor asked nudging me nearer to one door..
"Well, er, er, um," I couldn't think of anything.
The prof guided me across the corridor towards another door, "tell me more about this conspiracy?" he said.
"Well, er, I don't know, it could be anything," I couldn't think of anything else to say.
The proff guided me to the next door, suddenly the idea that the scientists were trying to take over the world popped into my head. "Power I said that's it the scientists just want more power so they can control everything."
The proff said, "Ah good ve are here." and knocked on the door.
"Come in" said a voice from the other side of the door, The proff opened it and we went in.
Behind the Desk was a somewhat overweight and red faced man who looked up at us open mouthed.
"Er is this where you want to use me as a detector?" I asked.
"No, no, ve haf done zat bit, und I am convinced ze absurdium is in zis room." He looked over his glasses at the man behind the desk.
At this moment Snixat's 'disguise' glitched. And Jim Morrison was replaced by the figure of the grey skinned alien, he held up the disguise device, tapped it and shook it and shrugged.
The man behind the Desk looked from Snixat to the Prof and back and said "Ah".
I felt somewhat left out, so I said, "hi" and gave a little self conscious wave.
"I zink you know vhy ve are here?" The Prof Said to the man behind the desk.
The red faced man, looked out of the window into the sky and then looked under the desk, then, pulling open draws and peering inside them.
"Don't vorry, ze Feacac Genmale are not aware of vat you haf been doing." said the Prof matter of factly.
Relief spread over the man's face, then he seemed to catch himself and said "Why are you here? What do you want?
Ve need the absurdum you have in your possession to repair a mark 8 Sufnal hyperdrive.
"Well you can't have it" the man said, "Things are very comfortable for me here I don't see why I should give that up?."
"Ah, but we had a short visit from the Feacac Genmale not that long ago I'm sure we could attract their attention again should the need arise." said Snixat, doing his best to look hard nosed and gangster like, which wasn't entirely successful, given his nose was about the size of a marble.
"Hmm," the man vocalised, with a somewhat sly look on his face. "possessing absurdum is not illegal, why would the Feacac Genmale have any interest in me at all?" he leaned back in his chair swivelling it a little from side to side, with an expression of mild smugness on his face.
The prof removed his glasses, and started cleaning them rather deliberately with his handkerchief. "Hmm az you might be avare my zpeciez has a rather close asociation vith zis planet. Und you vill therefore not be zurprized to hear zat I am avare of ze restrictions on ze use of absurdium to influence ze belief of zertain carbon bazed life formz. It would also probably not surprise you to hear, zat I vould be quite prepared to enlighten ze Feacac Genmale az to ze nature of your activities on zis planet und ze relevant, zough admittedly obzcure legislation of ze galactic federation, under vich it iz prohibited."
It belatedly dawned on me that our little dance around the corridors had been about, "You mean all the time I was wondering if dinosaurs lived a few thousand years ago, the absurdium was affecting my brain?"
The professor had a look on his face which said, 'I would rather not explain this now', but instead said "yes".
"Will there be any permanent damage?" I asked
"No, No." he said. "Zat vas just ze absurdium allowing you to consider impozzible or abzurd ideas, it takes many years of exposure for any permanent effect. You may haf noticed zat now you understand how the absurdium vas influencing you, the effect is negligible."
"I realised this was true, it was like a curious thought on the edge of awareness that now I knew what it was, was easy to dismiss, though it did come back from time to time. "er why would 'manipulating the beliefs' of 'certain carbon based life forms' be of any use to an alien?" I asked.
The proff looked at me, still with his 'I would rather not explain this now' expression, "Ah ziz iz because of ze brain vaves uncritical belief generates, members of mr ...." He looked at the red faced man.
"Er.. my name is Gurnathil" A little bemused at this detour of explanation to the ape descended life form, in the dressing gown.
"Zankyou." the professor said, "Members of mr Gurnathils zpecies have an interesting biochemical rezponse to ze brainwaves created by irrational belief in ze brainwaves of carbon based life forms".
"You mean that all the time I was thinking dinosaurs lived 3000 years ago he was feeding off my brain waves?"
"Nah not feeding," said snixat fiddling with his 'disguise' again. "They get stoned on it." he added
"So this 'University,' is an alien drug factory?"
Something like that
"How does he get away with it?" I asked, "surely the government knows this isn't a proper university, not if they are claiming that dinosaurs lived 3000 years ago?"
"Vell not all absurdities are due to ze absurdium, because its religion, in the US they don't have to have evidence for what they teach."
"You mean they can just say its true and the education department just has to go along with it?" I said disbelievingly.
"Vell yes."
"Perhaps there's someone in government using absurdium." I said
"Qvite pozzibly" replied the prof.
"How on earth has he got away with it, how old is this university anyhow?
"45 years give or take." said Guranthil.
"And you founded it?"
"Oh no, never be the front man my old dealer used to say," there was something irritating about Guranthil's smug expression. "As far as anyone here knows I'm a minor member of the faculty who does something obscure which no one ever takes the time to check out. I persuaded a chap named Falwell to set it all up for me, he's dead now, but that's one of the advantages of working with humans, short life spans."
"Zis iz a very common pattern." the professor said, "Zey find a planet with some carbon based life forms with a reasonably developed science. and then latch on to some poor deluded character who is clinging to ancient beliefs and build a religion around them. All in defiance of the real science available to everyone, and viola bobs your uncle, the tension between what the individuals know to be factually true and what the religion tells them sets up an unusual resonance in the brainwaves and our friend here bottles it and sells it at a considerable profit. It is also highly addictive."
"So Marx was right, religion is opium?" I said.
The professor raised his eyebrows, and put his glasses back on. "Er well possibly but I doubt he had any real idea about this sort of thing. Religion itself isn't enough, otherwise our friend would be camped in Lebanon, or Iraq, it has to be irrational religion in a scientifically literate context."
"how does he collect the 'brain waves'," I asked.
"zat is not really zomething we need to explore right now." The prof turned to Guranthil, who had been listening to the conversation as if he had been watching a tennis match, looking from one to the other speaker in turn.
"Now mr Guranthil, you vill give us the Absurdium, because my friend here," the prof pointed to Snixat who was trying to open something on his 'disguise' with a fingernail, "or rather his ship, has no intention of staying stuck on this planet indefinitely. And might consider the possibility that being required as a witness at your trial could be a ticket off this planet."
"Oooh I hadn't thought of that, said Snixat," his efforts trying to open the 'disguise' bore fruit at this moment and the cover he had been trying to prise off, flicked into the air and skittered across tyhe floor, followed by two other metallic objects from inside the 'disguise'. He started scrabbling around on the floor to pick them up.
"I knew I should have employed some protection here." Guranthil muttered. "A couple of hard headed silicon based lifeforms to bang heads together. I have new contracts to fulfil, New buyers I need to increase the supply for." he began to reach a little too casually for a draw in the desk.
"Can I zuggest," said the professor in his 'I have thought this through 42 steps ahead' voice, "Zat you do not take ze, shall ve zay 'agressive option' az your next step. I haf not fogotten zat zis iz ze USA. I am fully aware of the availability of projectile vepons."
Guranthil paused for the briefest moment and opened the draw. Snixat stood up clutching whatever it was that had fallen out of the 'disguise' when he opened it.
The professor continued, "Snixats ship may only be an old Betelgeuse clazz, but itz operating system iz a Geraldine 2000," Guranthil raised his eyebrows, the professor continued, "und for various reazons I had to remove the operator preferences vhilst trying to repair her hyper-drive." Guranthil's hand had stopped part way reaching into the draw.
Geraldine's hologram appeared in the room holding possibly the most formidable gun I had ever seen.
The Prof went on. "Az you can zee zhe has been monitoring zis zituation und vill certainly have zomething interezting, zuch az a focuzzed microwave beam, or other device available to terminate any unpleazantness." The prof peered over his glasses at Guranthil.
Geraldine pushed a button on the rather large and intimidating weapon, and something began humming in a rather worrying way.
Guranthil, seemed to concede defeat and gently pushed the drawer shut.. he looked at Snixat, "A Geraldine 2000, running without operator preferences, your braver than you look."
Snixat grinned.
"How much absurdium do you need?" Guranthil asked, seeming to deflate a little.
"Oh I zink about a gram vould be entirely zufficient." said the proff
"Is that al....." Gurnathil, caught himself "Well Ok, but thats it then, you will go, you will not contact the Feacac Genmale and you will leave me alone."
"Yes." Said the professor.
"Er,"interrupted Snixat, "There is one more thing."
Guranthil looked suspiciously at Snixat. "Ah so the extortion begins does it?"
"Well, not really, I could just use the batteries from your light filter camouflage unit," said Snixat, "mine are flat," he paused, "Just so I can get back to my ship without creating too much of a fuss."
Guranthil looked puzzled, "Why don't you just teleport?" he asked.
"Snixat doesn't do Teleporting." Geraldine said over the barrel of the gun, which was still humming in an unnerving way. "He doesn't trust it."
"Yeah, well I am not convinced that the Snixat that goes in is the same one that comes out. So no scrambling of my molecules thank you." he said eyeing Geraldine warily.
Guranthil looked at each face in turn, gave an exasperated sigh, and said, "At this point anything to get rid of you."
He reached across his desk and picked up what had seemed like a American football trophy, but which was clearly a similar device to the one in Snixats possession. Did something to it, the air shimmered and the overweight red faced man was replaced by something that resembled a animated pile of cabbages. A tendril reached out, removed the cover and extracted what for all the world looked like AA batteries. The tendril snaked over to Snixat, and placed them in the grey aliens hand.
"Thank you," Snixat said and put the spent batteries from his own 'light filter camouflage unit' on the Desk in front of Guranthil.
"You realise that these will take an age to charge and I won't be able to go out in the mean time." Said Guranthil testily.
"Yes, but I bet you don't have any lectures to give anyway." Said Snixat.
"Ok, goodbye, thanks for dropping by, please don't do it again." Said Guranthil.
"Er haf you not vorgotten ze absurdium?" Said the Professor.
"Well it was worth a try," said Guranthil, and stood up, eyeing Geraldine nervously, who had the gun trained on the plant like alien.
I had an impulse to urge Geraldine to be careful, because we didn't want to kill it, or injure it so badly that it ended up a vegetable. But I resisted.
Guranthil went to a painting in the wall, swung it open as if it were a door, opened the wall safe behind it, and a green tendril lifted out a small box. He returned to his desk and sat down, or at least the heap of vegetation settled onto the chair, not so much of a 'sit' as a slump.
I had the strangest thought after the safe was opened, that the queen of England was actually a Lizard.
The professor took what looked like a small wooden box from his pocket flipped open the lid and placed it on the desk in front of Guranthil. Guranthil opened his box and poured what looked like black sand into the professors container. Except that it wasn't just black, some grains fell on the desk, and looked so dark that they seemed to be tiny holes in the fabric of the universe. I started thinking to myself that it might actually be possible to train a horse to fly. Guranthil retrieved the grains and carefully returned them to the box, which he shut emphatically.
The professor shut his box and put it in his pocket, training horses to fly seemed a little improbable to me after he did so. "Zank you." said the professor. "Zat should be more than enough."
Snixat dropped the batteries again, scrabbled round on the floor, picked them up, managed to get them into his, 'disguise' and after 2 attempts managed to close the battery compartment. I could see Geraldine watching him out of the corner of one eye with her 'tolerance for a naughty child,' expression, whilst the gun's barrel never wavered.
Snixat switched the Disguise back on, the air shimmered, and the figure of Jim Morrison replaced the shape of the Grey alien. "Oh, thanks man, this will save a lot of fuss. " he said.
"Ve zhould really be going." Said the professor. "I zink it vould be best if Geraldine remained until ve haf reached ze ship." he looked at Guranthil over the top of his spectacles, "Just for inzurance you underztand."
"Just one question before you go." Said Guranthil, "why is the human wearing pyjamas slippers and a dressing gown?"
"Well I didn't know I was comming." I said.
"Und I zought looking a little abzurd, might juzt make him a little more zusseptible to ze effects of ze absurdium." the professor added.
I looked at the professor a little wide eyed. "I thought you just hadn't noticed." I said.
"Zere iz very little I do not notice." The professor responded. "Let us go."
And we left. On the way back to the ship, Snixat continued to flirt with every girl whose attention he could attract, and at one point, one walked a little way with us and I thought Snixat might have convinced her to join us on the ship. Perhaps he mentioned he was an alien and that put her off, but since she kept giving me odd looks, I rather think it might have been my attire.
We reached the ship, and the door opened, framing Geraldine in the empty air, but without any threatening armament. We all trundled aboard, Snixat flopped into his usual chair, and started looking for some music, still in the guise of Jim Morrison.
He stopped and looked at Geraldine, "Er can I have my preferences back now." He paused, and an expression passed over Jim's face, "Please."
Something flickered on the Holographic display. "Thank you," said Snixat, he tapped something on the screen, and a rather large joint appeared in his hand already lit. "Take us home Geraldine."
A sudden thought worried me, "By home you do mean my garden, don't you? I don't think I could cope with visiting another planet right now."
"Ve could not go to another planet just yet anyvay," said the professor. "It will take me a little while to repair the hyper-drive in any case, but vith ze absurdium in our possession there is no doubt I can now do so."
The ship hummed a little and through the screen or window, whichever it was I saw the ground drop away.
Snixat squinted at the screen, "Ah that will do nicely he said."
"Turn it up Geraldine!"
Click here to read All Parts.
The journey was incredibly quick and the heat ray had not long done its worst to Horsell common before the ship finished its 3000 mile journey from England to the USA. Through the window/screen, it seemed as though the ship came to a sudden halt, over a car park in front of an impressive looking building with a façade adorned with classical looking columns.
Somehow this wasn't what I had expected somewhere called Lynchburg to look like. Truthfully my English preconceptions had an image of a small place one step away from an old frontier town, full of stereotypical red-necks, and somewhat worried black faces. This actually looked quite genteel.
It was at this point that I realised I was still in my dressing gown. I also realised I couldn't see Sinixat, then his head popped up from behind one of the numerous 'control panels' around the edge of the 'flight deck', which I suspected were as much for decoration as anything else, since none of them seemed to do anything that ever required anyone's attention.
Snixat held up something in his hand, saying "Yeah," in a celebratory tone, "I knew it was here somewhere." he crowed.
Geraldine looked at Snixat with a concerned expression, "Oh no." she groaned, "Your not going to go out are you?"
"Of course I am," the grey skinned alien said, "It should be fun, and I haven't got anything else to do, thanks to you."
"Don't you remember what happened last time?" said Geraldine.
"Well yeah, but it turned out all right though didn't it?" Snixat grinned.
"Only because everyone was taking something, and they thought you were just an interesting hallucination, so many people ended up having bad trips after seeing you the concert organisers had to reassure everyone that the acid was safe . Anywhere else and you would have been surrounded by more members of secret government departments than an Arab on the White house lawn." (I had already learned Geraldine kept up with every News feed on the planet.)
"It was three days or peace and Music man, I should never have bothered with a disguise in the first place. You had to be there to understand, No one cared about any supposed differences, let alone an alien wandering about. It was real freedom man."
Geraldines expression oozed skepticism, "Hmm I suppose that's why you put so much effort getting that roll of film off the guy with the movie camera?"
"Nah that was because he filmed me with Jimi, I wanted a keepsake." said Snixat with a wistful look in his eyes. I still haven't figured out how he does that with black on black eyes, and no eyebrows.
"Keep telling yourself that, prehaps one day you might believe it." Geraldine answered.
I found myself raising my hand, like a child wanting to ask a question in class. "Er what is that thing?" I asked, self consciously lowering my hand.
"Its my disguise man." said Snixat, sitting down on a stool, I hadn't noticed before.
I looked at the object, it was shaped somewhat like a rugby ball, but about six inches long, and really really shiny. "That's a disguise?" I asked, "The alien equivalent of dark glasses a wig and a false beard?"
"Yeah man watch," snixat did something to the egg shaped object, and the air around him seemed to shimmer like heat rising off a road in a mid summer heat wave. After a moment the air settled down and where he had been sitting was the spitting image of Jim Morrison, holding a pair of Dark glasses.
"How did I guess?" said Geraldine.
"Sorry?" I said, mystified by this contribution from the hologram of the ships, for want of a better word, consciousness.
"He thinks, girls find, Mr Morrison really sexy." Frankly I thought Geraldine seemed somewhat Jealous.
"You mean he likes to get off with Earth Girls?" I said, adding, "Isn't that a bit weird?"
"His species have been doing it with different species for millions of years," said Geraldine, "though Snixat likes the personal touch."
"Man, its way more fun that way." said Snixat, grinning lecherously.
The Professor interrupted, "Given ze nature of our mission ve should zink about moving forward, und not confuse things too much." He gave Snixat a meaningful look I couldn't quite fathom at the time.
"I must ask you a question before we begin, said the professor, Would you consider yourself a rational normal human being?"
"Well yes." I answered, though a little conscious that pyjamas, slippers and a dressing gown were probably not appropriate attire for someone who had just claimed to be rational and normal. The Arthur Dent reference had not escaped me.
Good said the professor, lets go. I had a powerful urge to ask Geraldine if she could find a Towel from somewhere but I resisted the temptation, lest someone have an impulse to pop a fish in my ear. Snixat and the Prof seemed completely oblivious to my current state of dress/undress, so I thought to myself if it was good enough for David Tennant, then who was I to complain.
Geraldine lowered the ship into a space in the car park, and opened the door, The prof, Snixat and myself stepped out. I looked about nervously to see if anyone had noticed the door appear in thin air, or the sudden appearance of two notable historical figures and a fictional character from a radio show. But, if anyone had noticed us it was distinctly not obvious.
So that was how it was that Einstein, Jim Morrison and Arthur Dent walked into Liberty University.
We entered the impressive building drawing the occasional odd look, as if people were trying to work out if they had genuinely seen what they thought they had seen, but then followed with a shrug of their shoulders and wandered off to do whatever it was they were doing in the first place. The previous day I had asked the prof about, how he avoided questions about his appearance, and he said simply, "Generally the qvestion does not come up. Zis iz plausible explanation zyndrome. Ven people see zomething which iz too extraordinary to be real, zey basically invent a plauzible explanation und go on about zere business."
Once inside the mock classical building, I noticed there was an archaeological exhibit, and having always being interested in history, wandered over to take a peek, only partly aware that the prof was waiting as if he expected me to do something. Snixat was meanwhile saying 'Hi', to any girl who caught his eye and smiling in what he thought was a poetic and attractive way at them. More than a few of the girls were smiling back.
The exhibit was just a few dinosaur bones, not particularly well presented, but then I noticed the label and laughed. I don't remember the Prof coming over to me: but he was there at my shoulder observing me intently as I read the sign disbelieving.
"Someone should tell the staff here someone's been mucking about with their exhibit." I said.
"Und vy iz zat?" asked the Professor.
"Well someone's stuck this fake label on this dinosaur bone saying its 3000 years old." I said somewhat incredulously.
"Und you zink zis is incorrect, Yes?" said the prof.
"Well of course it is, the Dinosaurs lived millions and millions of years ago didn't they?" For some reason there was this discomforting sense of doubt in my mind.
The Prof motioned me to follow him. Snixat in disguise was still smiling at every pretty girl that passed. And an awful lot of them were smiling back, and there were a few looks of envy from some of the young men who were wandering about..
As we walked down the hallway, away from the extraordinary exhibit, I found myself wondering aloud, "You don't think its true do you?"
The professor stopped, forcing the rest of us to stop. We were blocking the hallway where two corridors crossed each other and we shuffled to one side to let the various students pass. Snixat leant nonchalantly against the wall, putting a lot of effort into appearing, 'cool'.
"Vat do you zink might be true?" asked the professor whos accent had become much thicker in the presence of other humans.
"About the Dinosaurs, that they only died out 3000 years ago?" I said.
The Prof guided me down one of the four passage ways, saying, "Tell me more".
As we walked, the idea started to seem silly to me. I said "No that couldn't be true could it? It would be just daft."
The prof stopped and turned me right around, which was unsettling and started us walking back the way we had come, and down the opposite corridor, saying "Hmm, please tell me more."
"But then again," I said suddenly less certain for some reason, "It might be true? No one was there to see it after all."
We walked on, "It would make some of those old movies make a bit more sense," I mused, "though it wouldn't explain Raquel Welch's incredible shrinking Doe skin Bikini."
The professor raised his eyebrows, but kept watching me closely.
After a minute or so, it seemed to me the whole idea was patently absurd, and I said, "Every scientist in the world knows dinosaurs died out millions and millions of years ago."
The proff stopped. turned us all around again and started walking back the way we had just come come, but more slowly this time.
I felt a little disorientated, by this saying. "Where are we going, we seem to keep turning back on ourselves?"
The Prof pulled his glasses down his nose and peered over them at me, "Ve are nearly zere, I zink we are looking for one of ze doors on zis cooridoor. Tell me more of your thoughts about dinosaurs."
"Well its confusing, one minute it seems like its entirely reasonable to think dinosaurs only died out 3000 years ago, the next its clearly absurd."
"vel vat do you zink at ze moment," the proffessor asked.
"Well" I pondered, "It seems quite reasonable, after all its just the scientists word against everyone elses."
"Go on," said the Proff, if anything walking even more slowly Snixat was walking backwards watching a young woman sashaying away behind us. with a lustful look on his, or rather Jim Morrisons face.
"In fact," I said, "It seems quite obvious to me now that I have been taking it for granted that scientists have been telling the truth. What if they are lying, what if its all been some big conspiracy to fool everyone?"
"Vy Vould scientists vant to fool everyone?" the professor asked nudging me nearer to one door..
"Well, er, er, um," I couldn't think of anything.
The prof guided me across the corridor towards another door, "tell me more about this conspiracy?" he said.
"Well, er, I don't know, it could be anything," I couldn't think of anything else to say.
The proff guided me to the next door, suddenly the idea that the scientists were trying to take over the world popped into my head. "Power I said that's it the scientists just want more power so they can control everything."
The proff said, "Ah good ve are here." and knocked on the door.
"Come in" said a voice from the other side of the door, The proff opened it and we went in.
Behind the Desk was a somewhat overweight and red faced man who looked up at us open mouthed.
"Er is this where you want to use me as a detector?" I asked.
"No, no, ve haf done zat bit, und I am convinced ze absurdium is in zis room." He looked over his glasses at the man behind the desk.
At this moment Snixat's 'disguise' glitched. And Jim Morrison was replaced by the figure of the grey skinned alien, he held up the disguise device, tapped it and shook it and shrugged.
The man behind the Desk looked from Snixat to the Prof and back and said "Ah".
I felt somewhat left out, so I said, "hi" and gave a little self conscious wave.
"I zink you know vhy ve are here?" The Prof Said to the man behind the desk.
The red faced man, looked out of the window into the sky and then looked under the desk, then, pulling open draws and peering inside them.
"Don't vorry, ze Feacac Genmale are not aware of vat you haf been doing." said the Prof matter of factly.
Relief spread over the man's face, then he seemed to catch himself and said "Why are you here? What do you want?
Ve need the absurdum you have in your possession to repair a mark 8 Sufnal hyperdrive.
"Well you can't have it" the man said, "Things are very comfortable for me here I don't see why I should give that up?."
"Ah, but we had a short visit from the Feacac Genmale not that long ago I'm sure we could attract their attention again should the need arise." said Snixat, doing his best to look hard nosed and gangster like, which wasn't entirely successful, given his nose was about the size of a marble.
"Hmm," the man vocalised, with a somewhat sly look on his face. "possessing absurdum is not illegal, why would the Feacac Genmale have any interest in me at all?" he leaned back in his chair swivelling it a little from side to side, with an expression of mild smugness on his face.
The prof removed his glasses, and started cleaning them rather deliberately with his handkerchief. "Hmm az you might be avare my zpeciez has a rather close asociation vith zis planet. Und you vill therefore not be zurprized to hear zat I am avare of ze restrictions on ze use of absurdium to influence ze belief of zertain carbon bazed life formz. It would also probably not surprise you to hear, zat I vould be quite prepared to enlighten ze Feacac Genmale az to ze nature of your activities on zis planet und ze relevant, zough admittedly obzcure legislation of ze galactic federation, under vich it iz prohibited."
It belatedly dawned on me that our little dance around the corridors had been about, "You mean all the time I was wondering if dinosaurs lived a few thousand years ago, the absurdium was affecting my brain?"
The professor had a look on his face which said, 'I would rather not explain this now', but instead said "yes".
"Will there be any permanent damage?" I asked
"No, No." he said. "Zat vas just ze absurdium allowing you to consider impozzible or abzurd ideas, it takes many years of exposure for any permanent effect. You may haf noticed zat now you understand how the absurdium vas influencing you, the effect is negligible."
"I realised this was true, it was like a curious thought on the edge of awareness that now I knew what it was, was easy to dismiss, though it did come back from time to time. "er why would 'manipulating the beliefs' of 'certain carbon based life forms' be of any use to an alien?" I asked.
The proff looked at me, still with his 'I would rather not explain this now' expression, "Ah ziz iz because of ze brain vaves uncritical belief generates, members of mr ...." He looked at the red faced man.
"Er.. my name is Gurnathil" A little bemused at this detour of explanation to the ape descended life form, in the dressing gown.
"Zankyou." the professor said, "Members of mr Gurnathils zpecies have an interesting biochemical rezponse to ze brainwaves created by irrational belief in ze brainwaves of carbon based life forms".
"You mean that all the time I was thinking dinosaurs lived 3000 years ago he was feeding off my brain waves?"
"Nah not feeding," said snixat fiddling with his 'disguise' again. "They get stoned on it." he added
"So this 'University,' is an alien drug factory?"
Something like that
"How does he get away with it?" I asked, "surely the government knows this isn't a proper university, not if they are claiming that dinosaurs lived 3000 years ago?"
"Vell not all absurdities are due to ze absurdium, because its religion, in the US they don't have to have evidence for what they teach."
"You mean they can just say its true and the education department just has to go along with it?" I said disbelievingly.
"Vell yes."
"Perhaps there's someone in government using absurdium." I said
"Qvite pozzibly" replied the prof.
"How on earth has he got away with it, how old is this university anyhow?
"45 years give or take." said Guranthil.
"And you founded it?"
"Oh no, never be the front man my old dealer used to say," there was something irritating about Guranthil's smug expression. "As far as anyone here knows I'm a minor member of the faculty who does something obscure which no one ever takes the time to check out. I persuaded a chap named Falwell to set it all up for me, he's dead now, but that's one of the advantages of working with humans, short life spans."
"Zis iz a very common pattern." the professor said, "Zey find a planet with some carbon based life forms with a reasonably developed science. and then latch on to some poor deluded character who is clinging to ancient beliefs and build a religion around them. All in defiance of the real science available to everyone, and viola bobs your uncle, the tension between what the individuals know to be factually true and what the religion tells them sets up an unusual resonance in the brainwaves and our friend here bottles it and sells it at a considerable profit. It is also highly addictive."
"So Marx was right, religion is opium?" I said.
The professor raised his eyebrows, and put his glasses back on. "Er well possibly but I doubt he had any real idea about this sort of thing. Religion itself isn't enough, otherwise our friend would be camped in Lebanon, or Iraq, it has to be irrational religion in a scientifically literate context."
"how does he collect the 'brain waves'," I asked.
"zat is not really zomething we need to explore right now." The prof turned to Guranthil, who had been listening to the conversation as if he had been watching a tennis match, looking from one to the other speaker in turn.
"Now mr Guranthil, you vill give us the Absurdium, because my friend here," the prof pointed to Snixat who was trying to open something on his 'disguise' with a fingernail, "or rather his ship, has no intention of staying stuck on this planet indefinitely. And might consider the possibility that being required as a witness at your trial could be a ticket off this planet."
"Oooh I hadn't thought of that, said Snixat," his efforts trying to open the 'disguise' bore fruit at this moment and the cover he had been trying to prise off, flicked into the air and skittered across tyhe floor, followed by two other metallic objects from inside the 'disguise'. He started scrabbling around on the floor to pick them up.
"I knew I should have employed some protection here." Guranthil muttered. "A couple of hard headed silicon based lifeforms to bang heads together. I have new contracts to fulfil, New buyers I need to increase the supply for." he began to reach a little too casually for a draw in the desk.
"Can I zuggest," said the professor in his 'I have thought this through 42 steps ahead' voice, "Zat you do not take ze, shall ve zay 'agressive option' az your next step. I haf not fogotten zat zis iz ze USA. I am fully aware of the availability of projectile vepons."
Guranthil paused for the briefest moment and opened the draw. Snixat stood up clutching whatever it was that had fallen out of the 'disguise' when he opened it.
The professor continued, "Snixats ship may only be an old Betelgeuse clazz, but itz operating system iz a Geraldine 2000," Guranthil raised his eyebrows, the professor continued, "und for various reazons I had to remove the operator preferences vhilst trying to repair her hyper-drive." Guranthil's hand had stopped part way reaching into the draw.
Geraldine's hologram appeared in the room holding possibly the most formidable gun I had ever seen.
The Prof went on. "Az you can zee zhe has been monitoring zis zituation und vill certainly have zomething interezting, zuch az a focuzzed microwave beam, or other device available to terminate any unpleazantness." The prof peered over his glasses at Guranthil.
Geraldine pushed a button on the rather large and intimidating weapon, and something began humming in a rather worrying way.
Guranthil, seemed to concede defeat and gently pushed the drawer shut.. he looked at Snixat, "A Geraldine 2000, running without operator preferences, your braver than you look."
Snixat grinned.
"How much absurdium do you need?" Guranthil asked, seeming to deflate a little.
"Oh I zink about a gram vould be entirely zufficient." said the proff
"Is that al....." Gurnathil, caught himself "Well Ok, but thats it then, you will go, you will not contact the Feacac Genmale and you will leave me alone."
"Yes." Said the professor.
"Er,"interrupted Snixat, "There is one more thing."
Guranthil looked suspiciously at Snixat. "Ah so the extortion begins does it?"
"Well, not really, I could just use the batteries from your light filter camouflage unit," said Snixat, "mine are flat," he paused, "Just so I can get back to my ship without creating too much of a fuss."
Guranthil looked puzzled, "Why don't you just teleport?" he asked.
"Snixat doesn't do Teleporting." Geraldine said over the barrel of the gun, which was still humming in an unnerving way. "He doesn't trust it."
"Yeah, well I am not convinced that the Snixat that goes in is the same one that comes out. So no scrambling of my molecules thank you." he said eyeing Geraldine warily.
Guranthil looked at each face in turn, gave an exasperated sigh, and said, "At this point anything to get rid of you."
He reached across his desk and picked up what had seemed like a American football trophy, but which was clearly a similar device to the one in Snixats possession. Did something to it, the air shimmered and the overweight red faced man was replaced by something that resembled a animated pile of cabbages. A tendril reached out, removed the cover and extracted what for all the world looked like AA batteries. The tendril snaked over to Snixat, and placed them in the grey aliens hand.
"Thank you," Snixat said and put the spent batteries from his own 'light filter camouflage unit' on the Desk in front of Guranthil.
"You realise that these will take an age to charge and I won't be able to go out in the mean time." Said Guranthil testily.
"Yes, but I bet you don't have any lectures to give anyway." Said Snixat.
"Ok, goodbye, thanks for dropping by, please don't do it again." Said Guranthil.
"Er haf you not vorgotten ze absurdium?" Said the Professor.
"Well it was worth a try," said Guranthil, and stood up, eyeing Geraldine nervously, who had the gun trained on the plant like alien.
I had an impulse to urge Geraldine to be careful, because we didn't want to kill it, or injure it so badly that it ended up a vegetable. But I resisted.
Guranthil went to a painting in the wall, swung it open as if it were a door, opened the wall safe behind it, and a green tendril lifted out a small box. He returned to his desk and sat down, or at least the heap of vegetation settled onto the chair, not so much of a 'sit' as a slump.
I had the strangest thought after the safe was opened, that the queen of England was actually a Lizard.
The professor took what looked like a small wooden box from his pocket flipped open the lid and placed it on the desk in front of Guranthil. Guranthil opened his box and poured what looked like black sand into the professors container. Except that it wasn't just black, some grains fell on the desk, and looked so dark that they seemed to be tiny holes in the fabric of the universe. I started thinking to myself that it might actually be possible to train a horse to fly. Guranthil retrieved the grains and carefully returned them to the box, which he shut emphatically.
The professor shut his box and put it in his pocket, training horses to fly seemed a little improbable to me after he did so. "Zank you." said the professor. "Zat should be more than enough."
Snixat dropped the batteries again, scrabbled round on the floor, picked them up, managed to get them into his, 'disguise' and after 2 attempts managed to close the battery compartment. I could see Geraldine watching him out of the corner of one eye with her 'tolerance for a naughty child,' expression, whilst the gun's barrel never wavered.
Snixat switched the Disguise back on, the air shimmered, and the figure of Jim Morrison replaced the shape of the Grey alien. "Oh, thanks man, this will save a lot of fuss. " he said.
"Ve zhould really be going." Said the professor. "I zink it vould be best if Geraldine remained until ve haf reached ze ship." he looked at Guranthil over the top of his spectacles, "Just for inzurance you underztand."
"Just one question before you go." Said Guranthil, "why is the human wearing pyjamas slippers and a dressing gown?"
"Well I didn't know I was comming." I said.
"Und I zought looking a little abzurd, might juzt make him a little more zusseptible to ze effects of ze absurdium." the professor added.
I looked at the professor a little wide eyed. "I thought you just hadn't noticed." I said.
"Zere iz very little I do not notice." The professor responded. "Let us go."
And we left. On the way back to the ship, Snixat continued to flirt with every girl whose attention he could attract, and at one point, one walked a little way with us and I thought Snixat might have convinced her to join us on the ship. Perhaps he mentioned he was an alien and that put her off, but since she kept giving me odd looks, I rather think it might have been my attire.
We reached the ship, and the door opened, framing Geraldine in the empty air, but without any threatening armament. We all trundled aboard, Snixat flopped into his usual chair, and started looking for some music, still in the guise of Jim Morrison.
He stopped and looked at Geraldine, "Er can I have my preferences back now." He paused, and an expression passed over Jim's face, "Please."
Something flickered on the Holographic display. "Thank you," said Snixat, he tapped something on the screen, and a rather large joint appeared in his hand already lit. "Take us home Geraldine."
A sudden thought worried me, "By home you do mean my garden, don't you? I don't think I could cope with visiting another planet right now."
"Ve could not go to another planet just yet anyvay," said the professor. "It will take me a little while to repair the hyper-drive in any case, but vith ze absurdium in our possession there is no doubt I can now do so."
The ship hummed a little and through the screen or window, whichever it was I saw the ground drop away.
Snixat squinted at the screen, "Ah that will do nicely he said."
"Turn it up Geraldine!"
Click here to read All Parts.
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